Friday, August 24, 2012

Love 2012

As I told my colleague, this next post will be quite emo. And that is not because I have recently broke up, or been cheated on. No, still haven't had my first girlfriend. 

No, it is because I've recently opened up to a friend in regards to past lovelorns. And I suppose I can open up to my world of readers, all 0 of them ...

I'll start you off with the story of Jo Jo (yep, this time I'm using real names).
Jo Jo came to Australia, from Shanghai, at a young age. I met her in year 6. But back then we rarely spoke; only time I remember saying something to her was teasing her about her name. I do feel like a jackass about it. 
Anyway, during high school, I took up weekend school at North Shore Coaching Colleague. Little did I know, I'd run into Jo Jo again in year 8. After a few small chats and reminiscing, we exchanged phone numbers. I can't quite remember when we started talking, but we started something magical.
Jo Jo admitted that she only spoke to me because she had a crush on my cousin, Johnson, to which I understood and held no grudge against them. But in time, we grew to enjoy each other's company much more than anyone else's. We would call each other once it hit 8pm and continue to talk until 12-1 or sometimes, sun rise. In a sense, we were inseparable. One day, I decided that our time together is somewhat of a bad influence (namely, sleep and studies) and we needed to take time away from each other. She was devastated but agreed nonetheless.
After a month of separation, we immediately contacted each other and the friendship continued and probably grew stronger as a result of this separation. This went on for two years. Everyone thought we were dating. I figured that it was also time to take the next step. And so, after a short hang out, I confessed to her that I like her "very much" and wanted to make it official. 
However, she turned around and said that we can't be together. She left me that day: November 2004. She still called me a few times after that, but only to tell me about the new boy/boys she meets. Little did she know, every time I heard about it, it hurt really bad. She's gone now. I almost never talk to her now.

Next one is Ava. Probably the worst story of the three. And yet hers is commonly known as the Cookies & Cream story.
I also met Ava in primary school (as she so told me), back in year 4. But it wasn't until year 10 that we spoke. This was shortly after Jo Jo rejected me, but was still calling me. This story starts with a classmate named Yong Jie (or more easier, Miki). 
Miki is a mutual friend of ours and while I was still with Jo Jo, Miki would talk about Ava every now and then. She argues that since I'm not 'really' with Jo Jo, I can still look for others. Eventually, when Jo Jo rejected me, Miki gave Ava and I each other's numbers and photos. And from then, I don't remember who called who, a small friendship formed. And from there, flirting began, to the point that she started calling me Lil Hubby, with Honey Bumz in her phone. Being devastated from my experience with Jo Jo, I gladly, or maybe reluctantly, accepted that title.
We would then go on two dates. First time I saw her in person, she was absolutely gorgeous. And that date was dreamy. We went to the cinema, "Welcome to the Jungle" (and "The Last Samurai", the second time). She only watched that movie because I wanted, so instead of focusing, she just leaned on me while I gave her my jacket, because she was cold (I still remember she wore the cutest white outfit that day). 
After that, we just walked and chat. We had ice cream by Cockle Bay. She had Cookies & Cream and I had Vanilla. Needless to say, I finished mine quickly. She couldn't finish hers, and had me share it with her. This is when I grew fond of that flavor because sharing it with her was so special that the flavor (that used to be dull) was amazing.
Ava and Jo Jo were at odds with each other. And I reassured Ava that any lingering feelings for Jo Jo were gone. Yes, they were!
After our second date, I decided that this is real and I wanted to tell her how I feel. But just as I was going to do it, she told me to leave her alone. That she never liked me. That everything we had or done, I should just forget it. She never did say why, but that was the last time I heard from her. I hated her for that. I hated her for leaving me with a question. I tried not to hate her, but I did. And the sick part is, it was a strong love-hate feeling. I saw her at a train station once a few years later and she purposely avoided me.

This makes the second girl I've ever liked/loved, to hurt me like that.

The last one, whom I am still friends with, is Nelly. Big shock to those who know me. But this one didn't hurt too bad. 
I also met Nelly in primary school, year 6. Still, rarely spoke. Wasn't until a friendship was made in high school. But there's nothing special about this part. What IS important is this next paragraph...

So by year 12, 2006, after my experiences with Jo Jo and Ava, I was emotionally scarred. Other problems in life also arose: our family was in a massive financial debt to the point of bankruptcy, I started working long hours on top of school, my social life and reputation went into a steep decline because of constant absence, and I couldn't find the time to think about my future, because I was too busy dealing with the present. I became depressed, anti-social, a mess, even suicidal if you may. I had thoughts of taking that blade, or hanging that rope, or taking that pill. But I just didn't do it because that would leave problems for the rest of the family. This was also during a time when 6 of 7 nights I would be home alone. Alone with my not-so-good thoughts. 

Anyway, one night, I was on the verge of insanity, literally, and I had my phone in my hand. I wanted one last shot, so, without looking, I just flipped through my contact list and dialed a number (because I was so pro with my NEC phone). Keep in mind, I didn't know who it was.

It just so happens, I called Nelly. She had the most cutest, most sweetest voice; so calm, so gentle, so full of love; like someone who truly cared. She didn't know why I called, for all she knows, I was bored and just wanted to chat. She picked me up. She made me smile; something I hadn't done for a long while. She is probably the reason why I'm still around. Needless to say, she has, from then, remained in a soft spot in my heart. 

During university years, this soft spot grew to genuine feelings. I don't know what it is, or why it is, it just happened. I wanted to do a lot for her: took care of her when she was drunk, I even bought her that green bag her BFF said "she always wanted". I even remember drinking concentrated cordial, at her birthday's after party, just because she didn't want to carry the extra weight.
Sadly, nothing. She eventually fell for some guy. It broke my heart, but I guess I was used to it by then because I didn't sulk about it. When they broke up, I wasn't aware of it. I just remained the same kind of guy I've always been with her. I bought her flowers for her graduation. The first girl I've ever bought flowers for. Probably was a grad gift, probably not. I don't know anymore.

Anyway, after her graduation she became an increasingly heavy drinker (by my books) and gone out to parties doing typical single people thing (I won't mention it). You could say I was jealous, either that it wasn't me doing those stuff as a single guy, or that I saw/heard of her kissing other guys (sometimes from her). I realized that we will never be together and I would just have to accept it. I did tell her once. She laughed. She either thought I was joking or was too drunk. She probably doesn't even remember it.

I thought I moved on, that's what I told my friend; but the other night, I saw her kissing some guy. A part of me was alright, the other part didn't want to be there.  And so, I couldn't bring myself to riding that bus home with her after my colleague's birthday.

So to speak, it seems I liked this girl for almost, what, 5 and a half years or so. How sad is that!? I even know of actual couples, or even marriages, that didn't last this long. 

But no, we are still friends, and that is as good as I hope it remains. I'm fine with that. I'm probably the only primary school friend that hung out with her most (probably not anymore, I don't know), and for that, I feel special. If I ever told her, that would kill this friendship...and kill whatever is left of that one sweet feeling within me.

She means way too much to me...even if she is just a friend. 

And so to speak, my love story sucks worse than Ted Mosby. Ever since I learnt to develop feelings for someone, fate tells me it won't happen.But I'm fine with it. I've learnt to deal with it. What choice do I have? Suicide is for bombers. 

But even so...
Up till now, I still haven't planted my first kiss. I had that chance on one drunken night not long ago, but I just couldn't do it. Despite how easy it could've been, since that girl was so drunk, I couldn't do it for that same reason. I want it to be about love. Not a mindless, random drunken encounter. 

But I guess I'll be fine.
With the knowledge that not a single girl has truly loved me back. Jo Jo? She said we can't be together. Ava? Toyed with my feelings. Nelly? Clearly shown no feelings for me.
My friend says I fall in love too easily. Yeah, I guess that's true. 

But I guess I'll be fine.
My mates criticize my ability to attract girls anyway. I know just how much I suck at it. My colleagues call me a player; pisses me off every time, but what do they know? Why destroy a work relationship over that?

But I guess I'll be fine.
Call me a coward, I don't care. Better that, than a broken heart ... I understand that mine isn't the worst. Colleagues and friends have told me about their tragic endings and some of them were quite painful. Their story shits all over mine. But the thing is, 'someone did genuinely love them at one point'.

I'm just the Bad Luck Brian of relationships. The girls mostly see me as a friend or sometimes a sister. Hah, girls. I put my heart out there three times and you broke it to pieces each time. I don't have much glue left. I've pretty much shut myself off from relationships. Clearly, that shit's not for me. I'm starting to hate that word now. My relations ship has sailed and it's lost the steering wheel. 

And anyone who asks/says "Jackey, you should find someone", I just shake it off with a stupid laugh or a bad joke/lie. Besides, every girl I meet now either has a boyfriend or is married. So I've become the master of being instantly friend-zoned.

Hah, friend-zone. New word that I've learned, lovely meaning. What a joke. 

Relationship, lovey-dovey, club flirting, random hook-ups and all that shit ...

I surrender. I surrender to it all. I don't want to do it.
But I still believe in fate. It fate wants me to fall in love again, I will do it. Or better yet, if fate says I will find someone I truly love after all the pain and trial, I gladly accept it. Just give me a sign, okay?
Fuck that shit, I'm playing Street Fighter. 

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