Quilesca once said that she finds my love-life rather complicated. You know? There has been many questions on my love-life and I have told many versions of it. Some of which are true, some of which are fake, some are exaggerated, and some are toned down.
So, I might as well explain/summarize the whole thing, the way it had always been. My readers would think, why would I expose my entire life for people who probably wouldn't matter too much to me or why do I embarrass myself when one should make themselves look good? Answer, simple: when I chat with people, I normally complain and talk about myself. If I were to be less "all-about-me" and more "get-to-know-you-baby", I have to channel it elsewhere. And here we are.
ANYWAY ... Spoiler: I have NEVER officially dated before.
I first really noticed girls in year 6, 2000. Although there were no real attraction, I wanted to befriend with the likes of Smellie, Ah Chi, Phone Girl, and the rest that I know today. I got tired of always being on their bad-side (oh, by the way, I used to be a big jerk). However, my bad habits kept kicking in and I didn't talk nicely to them.
My first and only girlfriend came shortly in year 7, 2001. What started as a favor to a tutor friend, became a backfired funny. I'll explain: a friend of mine asked me to prank call this girl, whom I'll nickname Nee, and leave a calling card by a name I shall keep confidently (because I forget). Anyway, on my first call, I found Nee's voice to be extremely sweet, and I couldn't go through with the cruel pranks. Shortly after, we made regular phone calls, and days later she asked to be my girlfriend. The immature me thought she wasn't serious, so I jokingly accept. Our first date was awfully awkward and the following night we broke up. THIS "RELATIONSHIP" LASTED ONLY 3 DAYS, and hence why I said I never officially dated.
Let's skip to year 9, 2003. I'm sure you would've remembered the Phone Girl post, everything in the Reflection's post is true; but allow me to tell another part of it. Year 2003 was a very special year, and I'm not entirely sure how everything happened. But in year 2002, I ran into Phone Girl again, she attended the same weekend math class as I did. Well, sometime somehow, I got her phone number and what was a courtesy call, became a nightly habit. I liked her, no, I loved her, but I never said a word. But it was not until late 2003 until this habit got out of hands, and I was also juggling a horrible Coca Cola habit (Quilesca heard Coke habit, haha). One day, I told Phone girl this:
evn though we talk on the phone alot more than here...i wanna tell you this...
don't get mad or sad or whatever it may cause...
IM ON STRIKES....
STRIKE FROM COKE...AND THE MOST TRAGIC OF ALL...YOU!!!
no calling, no hanging, no socialising and no seeing
i'll contact you in two months or so
would you miss me??? i know you would ehehehehe.
anyways..remember, enjoy the last call while you can
Horrible, isn't it?
Naturally, she was upset. This was when I met Playeress (she had another nickname, but that one doesn't fit in this context). The same things happened: phone calls, sweet words, and regular meet-ups. With one question, "Will you marry me?" I was hooked. Another situation whereby the girl asked me out. Playeress and I went on two dates, and both were very special. The cookies 'n' creams that we shared made history in me, and it's the story I tell friends. Two months later, I met with Phone Girl again, and our friendship continued as normal. I believed it made our friendship stronger, and I think she believes so too, because we were ever so close (oh yes we were ;P ). But when she found out about Playeress in early 2004, things got crazy. By the end of year 2004, Playeress had dumped me without a word, and Phone Girl, after I told her that I liked her, said she was no longer waiting for me, and went out on a date with a co-worker.
Believe it or not, she was still calling me even though she went out with this guy. And she said I was a bad person.
I'm not too sure when I first called Smellie, but one night, I was extremely depressed and fairly suicidal (due to the major changes in life and loss of Phone Girl, oh yeah). But her sweet voice brought me up. I thought she would replace Phone Girl. I called her a few more times after, I still remember New Years Eve, she'd still talk to me, despite being with her family (I was alone at home [oh NYE]).
I was silent for a year, focusing on my HSC and dilemmas at school (I got into bad terms with someone and he really wanted to beat me up. Near the end of 2006, I worked as 2nd-in-command Photographer for a children's photo-studio. There, I met co-worked nickname Inn. First it was an introductory conversation, then an on-going flirt. We would play that typical flirt game, but I would not ask her out, because she too was on bad terms with another one of my friends. And I take friendships VERY seriously. Oh yeah, one day Inn came to work all prettied up claiming that she didn't take off her make-up or undo her hair because of her year 12 formal on the previous night. I was stunned. She was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't take my eyes off her during her shift. Before she left, I told her how beautiful she was and she walked off with a smile. You know ... I never asked her out. It was a game of flirt and Jack's stupidity.
Another girl came along during my first year of university, 2007. I met a HK Girl whom I quickly befriended with, and developed closeness rather rapidly. What kept me away was our two years difference, with her being the older one. She even once said "Why did you have to be born younger than me?" in a way that 'implied' that she too had that same feelings and complication. This was short-lived, but it was good while it lasted.
Year 2008 - 2009, I had rising feelings for Smellie, but due to the devestation I had with Phone Girl, I didn't want to go through with it again, and I suppressed it. As a result, I tried to be Mr Nice Guy, but she didn't notice it (this Mr Nice Guy persona enveloped me to who some of you know me as today). I told her best friend first, and she ... I don't remember what she did. I told Smellie weeks later, but she laughed at me. Naturally, I was angry and embarrassed, but it was that that helped me forget her, slowly. But that was only because I was convinced that she didn't like me. I realized that suppressing feelings in order to 'try' to pursue other girls not only hurt me, but also hurt them, because I was always thinking about Smellie while with other girls. C'mon, what girl likes that? It makes them feel like a replacement.
This year ... 2010, I've finally unliked Smellie and neutralized my hooks with anyone, and hoping to end my single life, beginning my dating life for real-real (I need a wingman). My pathetic love-life isn't anything to be proud of, but I'm telling you about it anyway. Sometimes I blame my relationship with my Mother and my dislike of her habits, but I reckon I'm only making excuses. What I really hate, is myself and my lack of confidence.
Realistically, despite all these mingles I have had, not one girl had EVER told me that she truly had feelings for me. They have only implied it, and thusly, means nothing to me.
Thus, I had never truly felt loved before.