For those who know me, you would've have seen me going out quite frequently. You could even say that I am having the time of my life. But there is a face hidden behind that smile. Nothing seems to be fun anymore -_-
I'd hate to think that I'm growing up faster than I should, and that these things, that is supposed to be fun for people my age, is just not fun. Come to think of it, my interest in things are far from similar (of course, with the exception that it is done outside of the house). I like to be outdoor, but doing actual physical work, connecting with nature. I have been deprived of this and I want to believe that all I need to do is to get back in touch. Simple things like a nature walk or drifting on the river on a row boat is more than enough for me on a typical day. Not loud-as-fuck party music, people bumping and grinding their bodies so closely together that you're drenched in "someone else's" sweat. To me, that's a man-made misery. Though I admit, that's how you meet people now.
At the same time, I'm worried that my life as a single person may finally be catching up with me, telling me that I'm old and it is time. If that's the case, I'll admit that I'm afraid of relationships because each time I try to get close to a girl, I end up in shocking and painful conclusions. I just don't like that feeling, nobody does. I would love to make a special girl really happy one day, but not one has given me that chance. I don't like the feeling of being thrown the in trash can with who-knows-how-many other poor souls. The feeling of unattractiveness or being unneeded is not a good feeling at all. I would've have thought that someone who is a little more sensitive to people's feelings would stand a better chance than arseholes that just wants to look good with a girl by his side. As a matter of fact, on many occasions I feel like I'm just noise in people's ears.
What other reasons could there be? Career? Anyone with a repetitive job would find life unexciting and many others would agree with me. But I am somewhat satisfied with my job. I enjoy the atmosphere, the colleagues, the work etc. What I may not be too satisfied with are the complaints. But what job does not have its ups or downs? 'Maybe', the fact that I have been unable to complete my 1020, that I was so excited to get going, has made me unfulfilled.
Unfulfilled ... Could it be unfulfilled dreams? Impossible. I haven't dreamt in so long I don't know what they were anymore. I don't even know hoe to dream anymore.
-sigh- I don't know, this emptiness just sucks so much.
