Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Hey, how are you? Bored as f**k

For those who know me, you would've have seen me going out quite frequently. You could even say that I am having the time of my life. But there is a face hidden behind that smile. Nothing seems to be fun anymore -_-

I'd hate to think that I'm growing up faster than I should, and that these things, that is supposed to be fun for people my age, is just not fun. Come to think of it, my interest in things are far from similar (of course, with the exception that it is done outside of the house). I like to be outdoor, but doing actual physical work, connecting with nature. I have been deprived of this and I want to believe that all I need to do is to get back in touch. Simple things like a nature walk or drifting on the river on a row boat is more than enough for me on a typical day. Not loud-as-fuck party music, people bumping and grinding their bodies so closely together that you're drenched in "someone else's" sweat. To me, that's a man-made misery. Though I admit, that's how you meet people now.

At the same time, I'm worried that my life as a single person may finally be catching up with me, telling me that I'm old and it is time. If that's the case, I'll admit that I'm afraid of relationships because each time I try to get close to a girl, I end up in shocking and painful conclusions. I just don't like that feeling, nobody does. I would love to make a special girl really happy one day, but not one has given me that chance. I don't like the feeling of being thrown the in trash can with who-knows-how-many other poor souls. The feeling of unattractiveness or being unneeded is not a good feeling at all. I would've have thought that someone who is a little more sensitive to people's feelings would stand a better chance than arseholes that just wants to look good with a girl by his side. As a matter of fact, on many occasions I feel like I'm just noise in people's ears.

What other reasons could there be? Career? Anyone with a repetitive job would find life unexciting and many others would agree with me. But I am somewhat satisfied with my job. I enjoy the atmosphere, the colleagues, the work etc. What I may not be too satisfied with are the complaints. But what job does not have its ups or downs? 'Maybe', the fact that I have been unable to complete my 1020, that I was so excited to get going, has made me unfulfilled.

Unfulfilled ... Could it be unfulfilled dreams? Impossible. I haven't dreamt in so long I don't know what they were anymore. I don't even know hoe to dream anymore.

-sigh- I don't know, this emptiness just sucks so much.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

1020 In-Development

I am finally on my way in creating the "1020" division. But first, let me explain a little bit about what 1020 is.

Who Am I?
1020 is a division within our family's catering business, which focuses on media production. As 1020's creator and manager, my role is to develop and produce artful presentations for clients prior and during their events. 1020 focuses on two major aspects: video and websites.

Within our video department, my key role is to develop and produce artful presentations for clients in accordance to their purpose whether it be a wedding slideshow or a birthday roast video.

Our website development department focuses on, as its title implies, developing websites. My clients are vastly diverse, ranging from event or promotion to product awareness. My vision is to create minimalistic websites as it is more eye and user friendly.

Why Am I?
As for its name, 1020 is simply a representation of my initials. That is, the tenth and twentieth letter of the alphabet, "J" and "T". As for why this division was created, well, as graphic and film enthusiast I like to apply my skills in an area that is comfortable and constantly changing. After a well-received presentation on a wedding night in 10-10-10 and a second highly-praised presentation on 28-05-11, I decided to pursue this avenue.

Where Am I?
As 1020 is still in development, the only conact information I can provide is my non-work related email:
I hope to have my video, work email, website, and business card ready as soon as I can.

So excited. See ya ~

Monday, June 27, 2011

Great Pain, Great Change

If there is one thing that I have learnt in life that is, "great pain in life brings about great change in person".

I learned this the hard way (as if pain could be any easier). A few weeks ago my closest friends and I planned to go away for a stress relieving trip to Orange and while every thing seemed well and ready to go, an old friend of mine asked me one simple question just two days before setting out, "how are you getting there?"

Now, all this time I believed that we were all catching a train, and that is fine, but when I was told that the tickets were bought already, I got a little panic-ky if there is no other word to use. So I asked about my traveling arrangement. The response I got was, "I didn't know you were coming". At the time, I misinterpreted this as not going to Orange at all and that I was no accounted for. But I understood very soon later that this only meant that I was going on the train with them (as there were other alternatives).

So I got mad, mind you I was already have a horrible morning, and just turned away from the trip (when new arrangements had been made because of my late reply). Now I could have done this politely, but instead, if you remember my previous post, I have not had a "so-called" happy life, I did this the arrogant and dramatic way. So just like that, in one morning, I lashed out at my closest friends and worst of all, the girl I love.

When they left, I plunged into a, what I would call, "isolation depression state". I was deeply depressed and down only whenever I was isolated. Then again, I've been like that all my life and many others share that feat. I made one last (effortless) attempt to rectify what I done. I SMSd (yeah, that is the world we live in now) the one girl whom I believed was more likely to forgive me, or rather the girl I needed forgiveness from, to apologize and explain my actions. And till now she has not responded nor acknowledged it. At first, I assumed that she is tired from the trip and had immediate work commitment. But after a while, I do not think she is going to forgive me.

Not being forgiven by my closest friends brings unbelievable pain that I do not want to show in front of anyone. But I think to myself, "Maybe this is why I lash out, uncontrollably. Because I don't exactly have an outlet, this anger and pain is stored like a boiling kettle". Why do I go on preaching to my troubled tutee about control, when I don't fully understand this concept of control?

I understand that as long as I have my personal issues, I cannot have a steady life. As long as this anger is untamed, I cannot have a social life. I will deny myself of this until I get it worked out. Even if she, I mean, they are ready to forgive and forget my actions.

Interesting question: if I can confirm that she dislikes me, I can finally move on. but where would it lead me?

Friday, June 3, 2011

Reflection part III

I came the closest I've ever been to hyperventilation and total pass out. It is all because of a bad habit of mine. That is, unleashing my frustration in an imaginary, but bloody, explosive, and violent confrontation with the people who cause me the pain.

I began looking back at my childhood and how I came to be the pathetic person that I am. I know that throughout my childhood I had never imagined my life to be like this. It almost feels like Fate had tied me to a dungeon wall, and hung my freedom, by a thin thread, just outside of my reach, mocking me everyday as I strive desperately to grab hold onto my sanity.

For every imaginary outburst, I grabbed onto my chest to stop it from pounding too hard while I maintained a breathing consistency. My eyes burnt red from the bitter-salty tears that forces its way out. I tried not to attract attention. And it seemed successful. But why should I be surprised? No one gives a shit in the first place. I tried to persuade my mind not to think about it, but it seemed I was meant to persuade my heart instead. All those tiny fragments that have been ignored for all those years. I started to breathe hard again, I fought myself again and again, "Jackey, what kind of man are you?" An excellent question indeed.

While I struggled to keep cool all day, I thought to myself:

Happy Birthday Jackey ...

Monday, May 16, 2011


If I disappeared for a month, would anyone notice it? I've asked myself this question a few times in the past and my answer is and should be, "Well, of course. The people who live with you would obviously notice one less person in the house". But when I'm talking about friends and acquaintances, there is a strong possibility that they won't.

The reason is that I haven't made it worthwhile to be remembered. And I don't exactly have that acknowledgement from people. My reaction to this is to be loud and everywhere, and I think I brag about myself ... ALOT. But somewhere I feel as though I will be remembered, but as the annoying butthead. This is not my goal. My goal is to give people that feeling of, "I miss Jackey and his antics". Oh, by the way, my full name is Jackey Tran, not Jack. See? Another reason why people won't remember 'me'.

At university, I try to be a very distinctive tutor. I socialize with students, something not many tutors like doing. I try to get them to open up so I can understand them a bit better. They are students who try really hard, but just can't seem to meet expectations. I used to be that kind of student. Failing them hurts, but I only fail those I really see just bumming around doing shit all. What else do I do as a distinctive tutor? I brought nunchakas. Tell me, who brings nunchakas and know how to use them? Nobody, that's who. I love to play with my students inside and outside of class. Just the other night I put on a comedy stand up. So instead of stressing out while working on their assignment, they were laughing. However, sometimes I think I cross the line with my eccentricness, and at the same time, they only see me as their tutor, not a befriendable. I don't exactly want the title of "my tutor". I wanna be a friend. If I disappeared, they'll just progress to the next semester.

In VHA, I probably would be remembered by the name Jackie Chan, and as the goody two-shoe who asks too many questions. I'm the new guy, but, from my perspective, the slowest progressing new guy there. I would love nothing more than to be confident and prominent with my work, but with the amount of responsibilities and issues that demands my attention, I become so easily disoriented and subsequently lose track of everything. I'm not even the only Asian guy there. Two left, but there is one more, and he knows his shit. However, if I disappeared I know they'll notice it ... then fire me.

With my friends, hardly anyone knows where I am. But through the miracle of Facebook, they know what is up. There was a period where I could not access Facebook and was out of the picture, essentially. But no one noticed nor cared. The fact that I've regretfully declined so many roadtrips with my friend, makes me an uninteresting outcast from my social circle. I really wish to get back into the game. I really wish to socialize with my friends. I really hope to know how everyone is and whether they lives have been treating them right. I really hope to be there for them. I'm not just saying it, I really mean it. If I disappeared for a month, I've already proven that these people wouldn't notice me.

All it comes down to is recognition. I know that no one is being missed at every single second by any given, breathing person. But it is nice to know that I mean something/anything to someone/anyone. And I think this blog entry is a brag and another attempt to gain recognition and acknowledgment.

Sorry =[

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Reflection part II

Recently, I have been thinking about and reevaluating my dreams and goals. And as I was doing so, I had a horrible realization: I stopped thinking about it for so long, I no longer remember what it is that I really want.

When asked, I just make up lies or tell them other people's dreams. I don't want to appear without ambitions. I have them, I just don't remember what they were.

I spent years of my childhood and young adulthood walking with my family on the rough road; I denied myself the girl of my dreams. She had always been by my side and was everything I wished for. With the situation my life is in, I will never forgive myself if she has to suffer with me. That is a selfish thing to do. She appears to be happy now without me anyway. I guess I can be happy for her.

And because I've only done what my oldest brother told me, I'm not sure what career path I truly want to be in. What I'm in now, that's what I tell my acquaintances that that was my ideal career. Is it really what I want? I'm not sure. I used to think oceanography was my dream job. But in time I realized that it was an immature and impulsive frame of mind. I've had so little exposure to the world that I do not know who I am or who I was meant to be. Perhaps I was meant to be a website developer but I just haven't realized it. Perhaps I was meant to be an actor, but I haven't the courage to pursue it. I don't know, I just don't want to end up on my knees holder a cardboard paper, begging for money.

This uncertainty is scary because I cannot predict what the future will have in-store for me. I guess there are many people out there who shares this fear. And for all of you out there, you have my deepest empathy.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


This year would be my second year of tutoring at University of New South Wales. Like last year, I am teaching "WWW in Design and Presentation" to first year students; but unlike last year, I am also teaching "Modeling and Visualization" or otherwise known as 3D Modeling.

I decided to change my approach to tutoring students. Last year I was not all that proactive (sticking only to given material), less communicative, and worst of all, plain money-hungry. I was still inexperienced, in general, and still a bit intimidated by the job and colleague.

After 2010, which, by the way ladies and gentleman, was one insane year, my personality changed for the better and worse. This time around, my approach is to work as what resembles a Piagetian teacher.
  • "Jean Piaget believed that children made moral judgments based on their own observations of the world and not in the face of adult wishes to the contrary"
  • studied Educational Psychology as one of my electives in 2009

That said, I'm not treating them as kids. They have just started university and the changes brought about from that is a psychological attack that all of us have suffered. And it is because we all suffered it, which is why I have so much empathy for them. We can't expect them to work on our level yet, when they have only covered the basics. It is not good for them, psychologically and emotionally. The pressure is intense.

The most common example is:
  1. bombardment of material expected to master in short periods
  2. grades not meeting expectations (especially students wishing to transfer)
  3. disappearance of social life (friends walking their own paths or lack of availability)

And the most common reaction to it is:
  1. loss of sleep and appetite
  2. disorientation
  3. flash changes in mood - one moment laughter, next moment sadness and/or anger
  4. stress

I know these things happen. I know from experience, and when I socialize/converse with the students, I can feel it. I can feel their pain and frustration. I was semi-suicidal during my first year of university. When I look at some of them, I see myself through them; how I was, how I felt.

I believe that if I can create an environment where they can learn and work, without the pressure that university places on them, even if it is only for 2 hours, I have succeeded as a tutor. If they could just forget about the stress, even if it is only for 2 hours, that would be a job well done.

Yes, you cannot run from your problems, but if you learn to deal with it, without frustrating over it in the process, you come out much happier and much more relieved.

As a tutor for first year students, I need to make sure that these people feel like they can do it. It's getting them prepared for university life. It's edging them closer to the intensity, but not quite there yet. It's walking before jogging before sprinting.

If you believe my approach is wrong, then you tell me why it is wrong. If you can't, don't question me.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


I hadn't always been this pathetic. I recall the years when I was wild, fun, and willing to take risks. It was the years prior to a devilish mind, to working at my parents place, and before my youth allowance was cancelled.

There was a time when girls actually asked me out and loves my company. I've even had one openly expressing her content whenever I'm around. This was also during the time when my mates would call me out every weekend. Weekend school was fun too. I would spend morning classes with two fun girls, have lunch with them (one at a time and they were fine with that), then spend afternoon classes with two cool dudes and another girl who attempted to kiss me (she failed and kissed my neck). I would get phone calls from everyone who "just wanted to talk to me" and didn't care what I got to say. I was evened offered sex; but I turned it down because of my, then, moral code.

My social life wasn't the only good thing, my body was in a relativitely decent shape. I didn't have muscles but I didn't have blubber as well, and my acne problem had just been dealt with. I was considered fit, I could keep up with several sports player at school and did fine during 100m sprint and 50m swim. I played various forms of sport at a decent level; basketball, soccer, football, and gymnastic (yes, there was a time, but let's call it parkour instead because that's how I treated it).

My whole world collapsed after a while. I disappeared to work at my family business and dealing with an uprising habitual problem. I only noticed this when one of my female friends said, "you've changed, Jackey". I came back an aged person and much more quieter. You can call this matured, but I call it lame. As a result, I gained heaps of weight from the depression, and through the depression, I lost contact with many people. The girls no longer saw me as fun. The guys said I was always too busy. Classmate at weekend school were no longer there. And I got resented, for the first time in my life, by an old friend of mine (but that was my fault).

From that point onward, I kept struggling and because of all my failed attempts at redemption, I became the pathetic person that I am. I just hope with all the hardwork I'm putting into myself nowadays, someone would tell me, in a positive way, that I've "changed, Jackey". I may not necessary return to topdog-hood, but I can at least have a shot at being loved by all again.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Remember Me

It has been many months since I wrote my last set of lyrics. Naturally, my writing style isn't as creative as they used to be, but I work with what I got. This little number is something I wrote because I've been suffering heaps of inevitable dramas in life and the pressure had pushed me very close to suicide on numerous occasions.

I just want to say that life will give you challenges and you will feel intimidated, but it is the strong ones who could jump over these obstacles and walk towards to next one. I'm still fighting for survival and it seems that I am losing, but I'm still alive.

"Remember Me" is pretty much a title for the collection of pieces that I've written over the years. There is no music to it, and vice versa, the music have no lyrics to it, but I figured that I could just throw a title to it, regardless.

Anyway ... enjoy =)

Hang In There
Sometimes the sky will turn grey
And it will begin to rain
Sometimes the road ahead will fade
And your hopes get hidden in the shade

I have felt your pain, friend
I know it must be strainin’
But trust me it will be alright

Never lose your faith and
The cloud will move away then
Things will change and there will be sunlight

If you just …

(Hang in there) You can get pass this if you just
(Hang in there) Things will get better if you just
(Hang in there) Nothing can stop you if you just
(Hang in) There-eh (Hang in) There-eh (Hang in)

Hang in there
[End Chorus]

Copyright 2011
Jackey Tran

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Relationships part II

The last few weeks had me thinking about my loveless life. The subject came to my mind when I looked back at my peers and their relationships. Some were happy, some were sad, but all of them had the experience.

To date, I have not had one girlfriend, laid my first kiss, seriously held a girl's hand or embrace her, successfully asked a girl out, nor notice a girl's genuine affection for me (if there were any). Thinking about it, it is VERY sad and I admit that there are times that I feel intensely lonely. And seeing jerks having girls falling head-over-heels for them makes me feel worse as I always try to be the best person I can be only to be shot down every time.

When I hear about my female friends talking about the weaknesses of their boyfriends, it makes me think; I may be a guy, but I honestly don't believe that all guys would be that shit in relationships. At the same time, will I become that?

Referring back to my previous statement, being shot down all my life really bums me out. It's not like the girls I go for are punk-ass chicks with tattoos and want to suck the life out of their man. My type of girl is sweet, funny, out-going, and enjoys/appreciates many activities. At the same time, being shot down that many time dropped my standards to much lower levels, to the point my friend said that "[I'm] just being desperate now". It may sound that way, but if you can't be the reacher, then be the settler.

I've always pictured myself doing all those romantic stuff with a special girl; like walking along the beach, watching the sunset, eating at a fancy restaurant, probably plan a special Valentines Night; but from what I'm seeing, I'm pretty much doomed in the relationship field.

I may think differently than other guys when it comes to romance, but all of us share the same frame-of-mind when it comes down to, "What does she want?"

And my question is always, "Does she like me?" or "Will I find the girl, I want to spend the rest of my life with?"

I don't need to be in many relationships like other guys nowadays, if it is serious and real, one is enough.