Thursday, May 5, 2011

Reflection part II

Recently, I have been thinking about and reevaluating my dreams and goals. And as I was doing so, I had a horrible realization: I stopped thinking about it for so long, I no longer remember what it is that I really want.

When asked, I just make up lies or tell them other people's dreams. I don't want to appear without ambitions. I have them, I just don't remember what they were.

I spent years of my childhood and young adulthood walking with my family on the rough road; I denied myself the girl of my dreams. She had always been by my side and was everything I wished for. With the situation my life is in, I will never forgive myself if she has to suffer with me. That is a selfish thing to do. She appears to be happy now without me anyway. I guess I can be happy for her.

And because I've only done what my oldest brother told me, I'm not sure what career path I truly want to be in. What I'm in now, that's what I tell my acquaintances that that was my ideal career. Is it really what I want? I'm not sure. I used to think oceanography was my dream job. But in time I realized that it was an immature and impulsive frame of mind. I've had so little exposure to the world that I do not know who I am or who I was meant to be. Perhaps I was meant to be a website developer but I just haven't realized it. Perhaps I was meant to be an actor, but I haven't the courage to pursue it. I don't know, I just don't want to end up on my knees holder a cardboard paper, begging for money.

This uncertainty is scary because I cannot predict what the future will have in-store for me. I guess there are many people out there who shares this fear. And for all of you out there, you have my deepest empathy.