Sunday, 14/10/2012, marks a day of joy and the beginning to something beautiful, yet, at the same time, I know there will be many challenges ahead.
As we all know, I haven't really shared anything with a girl before. I've already admitted that I haven't ever kissed a girl, and anyone can assume what "else" haven't I done.
This is a result of what I strongly believe in:
That I would only share the intimacy (by that, I mean the kiss) with someone I have feelings and strongly care for. If it's real, I don't need a history list of lovers, just one is enough.
I have found that person and she is currently residing 100s of kilometers away from me. Lori is an amazing girl. She has also returned the same feelings for me and I am overjoyed. I know from history and my strong stubbornness to my beliefs; that I want to share my first true kiss with her. She knows that and she couldn't be more happier. I am already preparing myself to accomplish that. I've recently found myself a full-time job, started working out again, and planning ahead with my annual leave and all, to go Shanghai to see her
But, in the end, I am a typical, hormonal guy. And this "haven't done this or that ever at age 23" thing is really taking a toll on me, and it is stressful and full of pressure, especially in this society, day and age.
What makes it worse is that; before I got close to Lori; a girl (let's call her RB), who works nearby, has offered herself to me. At first, I thought it was the alcohol and her (then) heart-broken state talking, but she even offered herself when she was sober and well. With all honesty, I was extremely tempted due to hormones. I was tempted to the point that I was gonna go for it.
But because I believe that Lori and I could be somewhere, I didn't do it. At the same time, I didn't want to take advantage of RB, no matter what she said nor how "appealing" her advances were. I did tell Lori honestly how conflicted I was, and that RB had forcefully kissed me (effectively taking my first kiss). It was later revealed that this odd friendship I had with RB bothered her, but I assured her that all I care about is her.
At that time, Lori told me to go for it as I was still young, several other friends told me the same thing. I asked myself, "I've been fighting exactly this away all my life because I stand firm to my own principles; what kind of person would I be if I did do that? Especially to a drunken and vulnerable girl. Answer: a hypocrite; or more modernly, an ass".
Now that we are close, I don't want to betray Lori's trust. It will be at least a year before I even have a shot at going to see her. I need to fight off people's advances. Because I believe in the meaning of first kiss. I don't mind what people do with themselves. This belief and stubbornness is only for myself. I can befriend a girl, but that's as far as it will get. Friend-zone!! Like what so many girls did to me before.
I noticed that I'm repeating myself. Okay, basically the bottom line is this...
I need to make it clear to the world: I HAVE FEELINGS FOR LORI. We're well aware that it will be a tough road with many challenges to come, mainly because of the distance. But I am determined to do this for her. She trusts me and I will not betray that trust.