Reaction

Something strange is happening to my body, it's not responding well. Each time I take a step, it requires more effort tol lift it and I tumble a bit when I step down. Tiredness, maybe? Maybe. I haven't been sleeping well lately. Another possible explanation is the recent headaches I have been having (also exhaustion maybe). My arms and eyes just drop every now and then as well.

Whatever it is, it is hard to maneuver in this state. I should probably get some rest when I get home. One night without visiting my Mother isn't the end of the world, right?

Anyway, back to work.

Realization

After rebirth, I found myself still held back by the clutches of old me, but I realized how much more smoother I move and talk to people of my age (that is, dancing [that's right, I do that too now] and MSN, respectively). But all in preparation for entering the old world with a new way of looking at things.

Kudos to the old me for surviving so long after his first rebirth (you read me right, this is my second rebirth). He was much more vulnerable and very tensed up due to a trust-related incident back in 2007.

It feels like I'm going to like this.

I might even enjoy clubbing and maybe working up the courage to talk to girls at the bar. But like a wise dude once told me, "all talk and no action means shit all". Step one is being my own parent and preparaing myself for entering this world.

So once I've taken care of some private concerns, it's time to loosen up and break it down.

Rebirth

If you are any of my old classmates or friends who've came here to look for my university work, I have thrown it all away. As a matter of fact, my friends, university work is not the only thing I threw away, and I think if you stick around, you would understand why I called this post, "Rebirth":

Since university finished, I have been inevitably moved into the workforce. But being unable to get a job in my field, I have to continue working at my parents' place. Two months ago, my Mother was struck with a stroke and since then I have been taking care of most of her responsibilities. With a Father who lost most, maybe all, his focus on his job, I lost most, maybe all, my freedom and confidence simply because everything isn't well on my side. There was just too much that I missed. I couldn't be there for anyone. I couldn't work up a good conversation with anyone. I became that withdrawn person whom I never wanted to be.

Relationship ... never had one, but I had secretly liked (or perhaps, loved) someone. One year, two years ... where were my balls? I have lost someone in the past and it hurt me so much that it was unbearable, I just couldn't bare to lose another great friend. So I let it die and eventually, a soft spot remained. But recently, something in me suggests that the "soft spot" is possibly an excuse covering the fact that those feelings may have remained and I tried to suppress it. Needless to say, that this girl unintentionally robbed me of my heart and my chances with anyone else because when I look at others, I don't 'see' them, I 'see' her.

And you know what?

I am sick and tired of choices being made for me. I am tired of suppressing all my negative feelings. As a matter of fact, I am sick of having these pathetic feelings holding me back. I am 21, I have never truly dated once and I have never really had any fun.

And what more? I want to finally have some fun. Meet people. Court girls. Explore places. Experiences, experiences, experiences.
Screw ups? Rejections? Mistakes? Who gives a rat-ass? Better I make them now than when I become a senile old man.

A real man picks himself up. If I failed a job interview, I know what to do and what not to do next time. If I failed meeting girls, it wouldn't work later down the track anyway. If I failed exploring new places, who knows what could happen to it (that's how I missed out on Wonderland).

I want to be that person that I have fucking denied myself for so many fucking years. And that person who actually uses both his head AND his fucking balls.

Rebirth, people.