Monday, June 27, 2011

Great Pain, Great Change

If there is one thing that I have learnt in life that is, "great pain in life brings about great change in person".

I learned this the hard way (as if pain could be any easier). A few weeks ago my closest friends and I planned to go away for a stress relieving trip to Orange and while every thing seemed well and ready to go, an old friend of mine asked me one simple question just two days before setting out, "how are you getting there?"

Now, all this time I believed that we were all catching a train, and that is fine, but when I was told that the tickets were bought already, I got a little panic-ky if there is no other word to use. So I asked about my traveling arrangement. The response I got was, "I didn't know you were coming". At the time, I misinterpreted this as not going to Orange at all and that I was no accounted for. But I understood very soon later that this only meant that I was going on the train with them (as there were other alternatives).

So I got mad, mind you I was already have a horrible morning, and just turned away from the trip (when new arrangements had been made because of my late reply). Now I could have done this politely, but instead, if you remember my previous post, I have not had a "so-called" happy life, I did this the arrogant and dramatic way. So just like that, in one morning, I lashed out at my closest friends and worst of all, the girl I love.

When they left, I plunged into a, what I would call, "isolation depression state". I was deeply depressed and down only whenever I was isolated. Then again, I've been like that all my life and many others share that feat. I made one last (effortless) attempt to rectify what I done. I SMSd (yeah, that is the world we live in now) the one girl whom I believed was more likely to forgive me, or rather the girl I needed forgiveness from, to apologize and explain my actions. And till now she has not responded nor acknowledged it. At first, I assumed that she is tired from the trip and had immediate work commitment. But after a while, I do not think she is going to forgive me.

Not being forgiven by my closest friends brings unbelievable pain that I do not want to show in front of anyone. But I think to myself, "Maybe this is why I lash out, uncontrollably. Because I don't exactly have an outlet, this anger and pain is stored like a boiling kettle". Why do I go on preaching to my troubled tutee about control, when I don't fully understand this concept of control?

I understand that as long as I have my personal issues, I cannot have a steady life. As long as this anger is untamed, I cannot have a social life. I will deny myself of this until I get it worked out. Even if she, I mean, they are ready to forgive and forget my actions.

Interesting question: if I can confirm that she dislikes me, I can finally move on. but where would it lead me?

No comments: