Rebirth

If you are any of my old classmates or friends who've came here to look for my university work, I have thrown it all away. As a matter of fact, my friends, university work is not the only thing I threw away, and I think if you stick around, you would understand why I called this post, "Rebirth":

Since university finished, I have been inevitably moved into the workforce. But being unable to get a job in my field, I have to continue working at my parents' place. Two months ago, my Mother was struck with a stroke and since then I have been taking care of most of her responsibilities. With a Father who lost most, maybe all, his focus on his job, I lost most, maybe all, my freedom and confidence simply because everything isn't well on my side. There was just too much that I missed. I couldn't be there for anyone. I couldn't work up a good conversation with anyone. I became that withdrawn person whom I never wanted to be.

Relationship ... never had one, but I had secretly liked (or perhaps, loved) someone. One year, two years ... where were my balls? I have lost someone in the past and it hurt me so much that it was unbearable, I just couldn't bare to lose another great friend. So I let it die and eventually, a soft spot remained. But recently, something in me suggests that the "soft spot" is possibly an excuse covering the fact that those feelings may have remained and I tried to suppress it. Needless to say, that this girl unintentionally robbed me of my heart and my chances with anyone else because when I look at others, I don't 'see' them, I 'see' her.

And you know what?

I am sick and tired of choices being made for me. I am tired of suppressing all my negative feelings. As a matter of fact, I am sick of having these pathetic feelings holding me back. I am 21, I have never truly dated once and I have never really had any fun.

And what more? I want to finally have some fun. Meet people. Court girls. Explore places. Experiences, experiences, experiences.
Screw ups? Rejections? Mistakes? Who gives a rat-ass? Better I make them now than when I become a senile old man.

A real man picks himself up. If I failed a job interview, I know what to do and what not to do next time. If I failed meeting girls, it wouldn't work later down the track anyway. If I failed exploring new places, who knows what could happen to it (that's how I missed out on Wonderland).

I want to be that person that I have fucking denied myself for so many fucking years. And that person who actually uses both his head AND his fucking balls.

Rebirth, people.