Relationships

Note: title is a bad interpretation, but best possible word for this post.

Quilesca once said that she finds my love-life rather complicated. You know? There has been many questions on my love-life and I have told many versions of it. Some of which are true, some of which are fake, some are exaggerated, and some are toned down.

So, I might as well explain/summarize the whole thing, the way it had always been. My readers would think, why would I expose my entire life for people who probably wouldn't matter too much to me or why do I embarrass myself when one should make themselves look good? Answer, simple: when I chat with people, I normally complain and talk about myself. If I were to be less "all-about-me" and more "get-to-know-you-baby", I have to channel it elsewhere. And here we are.

ANYWAY ... Spoiler: I have NEVER officially dated before.
I first really noticed girls in year 6, 2000. Although there were no real attraction, I wanted to befriend with the likes of Smellie, Ah Chi, Phone Girl, and the rest that I know today. I got tired of always being on their bad-side (oh, by the way, I used to be a big jerk). However, my bad habits kept kicking in and I didn't talk nicely to them.

My first and only girlfriend came shortly in year 7, 2001. What started as a favor to a tutor friend, became a backfired funny. I'll explain: a friend of mine asked me to prank call this girl, whom I'll nickname Nee, and leave a calling card by a name I shall keep confidently (because I forget). Anyway, on my first call, I found Nee's voice to be extremely sweet, and I couldn't go through with the cruel pranks. Shortly after, we made regular phone calls, and days later she asked to be my girlfriend. The immature me thought she wasn't serious, so I jokingly accept. Our first date was awfully awkward and the following night we broke up. THIS "RELATIONSHIP" LASTED ONLY 3 DAYS, and hence why I said I never officially dated.

Let's skip to year 9, 2003. I'm sure you would've remembered the Phone Girl post, everything in the Reflection's post is true; but allow me to tell another part of it. Year 2003 was a very special year, and I'm not entirely sure how everything happened. But in year 2002, I ran into Phone Girl again, she attended the same weekend math class as I did. Well, sometime somehow, I got her phone number and what was a courtesy call, became a nightly habit. I liked her, no, I loved her, but I never said a word. But it was not until late 2003 until this habit got out of hands, and I was also juggling a horrible Coca Cola habit (Quilesca heard Coke habit, haha). One day, I told Phone girl this:

evn though we talk on the phone alot more than here...i wanna tell you this...
don't get mad or sad or whatever it may cause...
IM ON STRIKES....
STRIKE FROM COKE...AND THE MOST TRAGIC OF ALL...YOU!!!
no calling, no hanging, no socialising and no seeing
i'll contact you in two months or so
would you miss me??? i know you would ehehehehe.
anyways..remember, enjoy the last call while you can

Horrible, isn't it?
Naturally, she was upset. This was when I met Playeress (she had another nickname, but that one doesn't fit in this context). The same things happened: phone calls, sweet words, and regular meet-ups. With one question, "Will you marry me?" I was hooked. Another situation whereby the girl asked me out. Playeress and I went on two dates, and both were very special. The cookies 'n' creams that we shared made history in me, and it's the story I tell friends. Two months later, I met with Phone Girl again, and our friendship continued as normal. I believed it made our friendship stronger, and I think she believes so too, because we were ever so close (oh yes we were ;P ). But when she found out about Playeress in early 2004, things got crazy. By the end of year 2004, Playeress had dumped me without a word, and Phone Girl, after I told her that I liked her, said she was no longer waiting for me, and went out on a date with a co-worker.
Believe it or not, she was still calling me even though she went out with this guy. And she said I was a bad person.

I'm not too sure when I first called Smellie, but one night, I was extremely depressed and fairly suicidal (due to the major changes in life and loss of Phone Girl, oh yeah). But her sweet voice brought me up. I thought she would replace Phone Girl. I called her a few more times after, I still remember New Years Eve, she'd still talk to me, despite being with her family (I was alone at home [oh NYE]).

I was silent for a year, focusing on my HSC and dilemmas at school (I got into bad terms with someone and he really wanted to beat me up. Near the end of 2006, I worked as 2nd-in-command Photographer for a children's photo-studio. There, I met co-worked nickname Inn. First it was an introductory conversation, then an on-going flirt. We would play that typical flirt game, but I would not ask her out, because she too was on bad terms with another one of my friends. And I take friendships VERY seriously. Oh yeah, one day Inn came to work all prettied up claiming that she didn't take off her make-up or undo her hair because of her year 12 formal on the previous night. I was stunned. She was absolutely beautiful and I couldn't take my eyes off her during her shift. Before she left, I told her how beautiful she was and she walked off with a smile. You know ... I never asked her out. It was a game of flirt and Jack's stupidity.

Another girl came along during my first year of university, 2007. I met a HK Girl whom I quickly befriended with, and developed closeness rather rapidly. What kept me away was our two years difference, with her being the older one. She even once said "Why did you have to be born younger than me?" in a way that 'implied' that she too had that same feelings and complication. This was short-lived, but it was good while it lasted.

Year 2008 - 2009, I had rising feelings for Smellie, but due to the devestation I had with Phone Girl, I didn't want to go through with it again, and I suppressed it. As a result, I tried to be Mr Nice Guy, but she didn't notice it (this Mr Nice Guy persona enveloped me to who some of you know me as today). I told her best friend first, and she ... I don't remember what she did. I told Smellie weeks later, but she laughed at me. Naturally, I was angry and embarrassed, but it was that that helped me forget her, slowly. But that was only because I was convinced that she didn't like me. I realized that suppressing feelings in order to 'try' to pursue other girls not only hurt me, but also hurt them, because I was always thinking about Smellie while with other girls. C'mon, what girl likes that? It makes them feel like a replacement.

This year ... 2010, I've finally unliked Smellie and neutralized my hooks with anyone, and hoping to end my single life, beginning my dating life for real-real (I need a wingman). My pathetic love-life isn't anything to be proud of, but I'm telling you about it anyway. Sometimes I blame my relationship with my Mother and my dislike of her habits, but I reckon I'm only making excuses. What I really hate, is myself and my lack of confidence.

Realistically, despite all these mingles I have had, not one girl had EVER told me that she truly had feelings for me. They have only implied it, and thusly, means nothing to me.

Thus, I had never truly felt loved before.

Reception

(Note: last post was renamed because I realize 'Recovery' was already uses. By now you'd notice that the titles all start with 'Re', no reason, just like it.)

I thought I'd focus on last night's events. I got home from work especially early so I could get dressed for a musical performance (not me, I'm the audience). Initially, I thought I'd go with just jeans and a jacket, because I was going with relatives, but when I heard a lady friend was coming along, I immediately shirted up going from typical hang out to business casual.

Anyway, it was all going smoothly until my brother needed the car, subsequently shaving 30 minutes from my preparation time and also losing me time to eat. Guess what? I was 30 minutes early.

Anyway
The musical I watched was, "Wicked Witch of Oz". I won't disclose anything plot-related until it goes off, but this post is my reception of the performance. One word describes it all ... But I can't because I would like to elaborate on it.

Wicked is one of those performance where you can feel all the emotions displayed by each character and you are taken in by their every word. The songs, dance, costumes, and set (though limited to materialistic representation) really makes you feel the atmosphere and story. What draws us more is that, although it is fantasy, it draws upon real situations that you and I can encounter in our everyday, thus making the characters more relate able. It's a journey that barely makes anyone aware of how much time has passed. I dare speak for everyone when I say, 100% attention guaranteed.

Astounding, truly remarkable. I highly recommend it.

What happened to the lady friend? Well, let's say that her height intimidated me. But she is a pretty girl.

Night finished with a few photos and MacDonalds.

Restoration

It was a long, long week. And every night was long, long. I've been working on my brother and sis-in-law-to-be's project for quite some time, trying to figure out what is causing the crashes and if there is anything that needs touch up. I haven't been having any decent sleep.

Oh ... what is 'the project', you ask?
Sorry. Let me take it from the top.
My brother and sis-in-law-to-be (hereby known as 'his fiance') is getting married soon and they asked me to make a photo slide-show to be presented when everyone is seated and eating. And with what little media background I have, and an empty portfolio, I thought this was a good place to start. And also, every wedding I've been to had very standard slide-shows. I want to do something different and WOW-ing, and thusly, I'm using Adobe After Effects, for the first time, to create something abstract and elegant (which, by the way ladies and gentlemen, isn't my style at all), without detracting from the photos itself.

ANYWAY ...
Lately, the projects haven't been able to render out as a video file, and constantly crashes. Subsequently, I have been staying up trying to figure it out, while juggling work during the day. So I sought the help of university computers (my return since tutoring in May). I also enlisted the help of old friend and fellow classmate, Quilesca for entrance to uni labs, opinion on current video, minor technical difficulties, several animation ideas, and musical guidance. Quilesca is also my first nominee for a potential graphic/media free-lancing team, I thought about starting.

Long story short, it rendered perfectly and I have the introduction and one slideshow out. Now I got my brother's and the couple's slideshow left, and then music and sound FX.

Also ... I've been getting 8+ hours of sleep ... FINALLY ... WOOOOOOWEEEEEEE ~!!!

Renouncement

I hereby renounce my long wasted feelings for Smellie. I've had feelings for her even before her first boyfriend and the only reason I held back was the fear of losing another great friend as I once did many years ago (refer to Reflection). But this renouncement does not mean I'm throwing our friendship away. That is exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I guess anyone reading this would think either "Ahah, I knew it" or "OMG, he liked her?"

She knew ... once. I told her once before she met her first boyfriend, but she was ignorant and laughed.

Smellie, I don't love you anymore. I've wasted too much time on pathetic feelings.

Re-enactment

I realized something. I am, in fact, a really horrible person.
Remember the last post about the nurse, and me having no attraction with her?
Well, today was like something from a movie.


It begins with a wave.
She "apparently" asked my Mother if I would be coming today, and sure enough, I came, but very late (nearly end of visiting hours). So she walked pass my Mother's room, after tending to a patient down the ward, and we catch eyes. Moments later, she came back to clean her hands (which from what I've seen, she normally does it immediately after exiting a patient's room) and I waved to her. She waved back.

It continues with constant exchanging of eye-contact.
Several times, she walked pass my Mother's room and we would have eye-contact accompanied with a courtesy smile. Unless she is those type of Asian that acts like she's never seen another Chinese before (Russell Peters reference), she was waiting for me to come out for a chat like the last few times I came.

It goes on to up-close encounters.
I walk out of the room, but only because my Mother was getting changed for bed. This is when she walked pass me, slowly, and once again I only gave her a smile and a "Hello". I may be completely wrong about her, but if I am right, this girl is going to wind up like Computer Lab Girl, when I turn her down in front of my classmate (which I did feel horrible after seeing her eyes change).

It ends with waves and goodbyes.
I walk off while she's at the counter. I just smiled and said my "Goodbye", "Goodnight".
Cue music and fade black, as I walk out of the hospital and into the cold night.


It feels like I'm re-enacting a scene from a tragic romance movie, or worse yet, a chapter in my teenage-hood. And you know what, despite me being the so-called stud, I feel horrible. You just have to be in my shoes to feel it and see through my eyes to understand it.

Rehearsal

It literally means rehearsal, dance rehearsal. The bridal party and groomsmen went to a place called DanceAlive Studio in Chippendale, where the bestman, who's been taking lessons, choreographed a dance for the groomsmen and a salsa dance for everyone. Frankly, I'm okay with it and I think I'm picking it up well. Sadly, the bride and groom decided to not use it.

So with a $25/hr session going to waste, it was pretty stupid just reorganizing and planning it over and over again. This includes changing songs, reordering the entrance, re-choreographing the dance etc etc. We settled on something not as impressive, but it'll do. And now I need to come up with a 5 second allow-me-to-introduce-myself dance.

Aside from this, I was doing the filming. There were only two cameras, and they were both situated at the back corner of the studio. My idea was to make it like So You Think You Can Dance, featuring several confessions. But due to the time constraint, there were no confessions and nothing I planned for the filming of the dance happened.

At least I got some moves to use, haha.

Recovery

Well it appears that I'm back on the game and I may have got the attention of a student nurse. Let's go back to the beginning ...

It all started yesterday ago during one of my regular visits to my Mother at the hospital. I was seeing nurses with white top, which easily implies that they were students. In my Mother's room was a senior nurse with an Asian student nurse. She was kind of cute. We looked at each other and exchanged smiles. However, time after after, she would appear in my Mother's room (shared with 3 others) and we would again share smiles.

Today we had a short conversation about her studies and what music she likes. There were more smiles. Oh, did I mention that I played a few numbers on the piano in the lunch room. Anyway, she told me that she was learning piano and that her Korean teacher stopped teaching her, I think she wanted me to teach her. And, what other reason does she have for abandoning her responsibility as a nurse to come in to my Mother's room to have another conversation with me even though a male classmate is also free and was wandering around the ward? And I mean, she had a "skippy" entrance plus a smile.

Sadly, I have no attraction, it is possible that my fabled "flirting-all-the-time" personality kicked in and that's what's been happening. Is it possible that I'm sending the wrong messages again? Either way, I like that it was working

Point of this post? I still got it.

Reflection

Remember reading about Old Jack and his loser ways?
Well, let's talk about Kid Jack as I will call him.


Back in the year 2003, Kid Jack was very quiet in class and amongst his peers. Sure enough, there were some annoying aspects like his inappropriate swearing and uncalled for name-calling, but he was just a kid. At school, he barely spoke to the girls, I have yet to understand why he was so shy (not like he was pursuing any of them anyway). His weight didn't decrease and his health wasn't all that great.

But the next part is the defining moment in the first transformation of Jack.

There was a special girl at that time that made him feel awesome, both inside and out (oh yeah, she did). That was the one and only time he was sure that someone actually liked him, and that is, more than just a friend. She would call him every night, every week for the next two years and they would talk till she falls asleep or sun rises. During those two years, his morale was fairly good amongst his friends. The girls would all talk to him on MSN (and on conference calls) and the guys would call him out for gaming or whatever. He'd actually chat up girls and make more and more friends.

Now this is where the big change happened.

Because he chatted girls up, he ended up with this one girl who, coincidentally, was on bad terms with the girl that calls him.

Now ...
The new girl made Kid Jack believe that there was something special between the two and in short, he pursued her. Phone Girl and Kid Jack started to fall apart. But when Playeress left Kid Jack, for no reason, apparently, he was devastated, but Phone Girl was there for him and just like that, his original feelings for her resurfaced and he told her about it at the end of that year (2004). That's when Phone Girl finally admitted her feelings but denied him of the potential great relationship, because he took too long and didn't seem loyal enough (since he was with another girl while still chatting with Phone Girl every night). Just like that, she ended up with this jerk who gave her her first 'smoke'. Kid Jack was once again devastated and as a result became withdrawn, losing confidence and social interactions, and even creating enemies because of his negative outlook on life and lack of care for his own sake.


This explains why I've never been able to ask my friend out. Because of the fear of going through those painful feelings again, I have denied myself and her the truth. Sad part is, when another girl comes along one day, I'll still be thinking, "What if?" But hey, if we were meant to be, then no girl in the world can change it, or I stay single for tr a girl will change it, or I stay single for the rest of my life.


Now the million dollar question on your mind is:
Where the flying cake is this guy's balls?


NOTE: Phone Girl grew up to be a a beautiful girl in a great relationship. She doesn't smoke, and she is leading a very happy life (as far as I know).

Relapse

My first day out as newborn wasn't as great as I imagined it.

Yesterday was my friend's surprise birthday and much like most of us, it involved karaoke, dinner, dessert, but this time with an extra Korean lounge. In my head, I thought I would go nuts at karaoke, that is getting up and shouting my lungs out. I thought I would do a version of California Gurls dedicated to All These Asian Gurls. I thought I would do a whole lot more chatting. I thought I would be a chatter bug at dinner and dessert. I thought I would do my magic trick on the table.

I done it once already, why couldn't I do it again? I do believe that Old Jack was trying to resurface last night. But no way, man. I've imprisoned him, I will kill him, he will die and those friends that love him would have their eyes open to see who I am going to be.

My only reassurance of my change was a dude telling the others, "This guy is crazy now. He's good".

Recount

I think I'll take the time to tell you about the kind of person I am now trying to avoid returning to ...

Old Jack used to be the type of person who would give, no matter how uncomfortable it is for him, going as far as to stay up very late at night just to keep someone company or even traveling over an hour just for a regular visit. He would never truly want anything back despite jokingly saying so and would never fight for anything. When his mates like a girl he likes, he would step aside and watch their happiness unfold along with his lament. For the girl he likes, he would try to be the sweetest person he could whilst avoiding looking obvious to her, doing only subtle things for her.

Old Jack would then spend his alone time in his room with arms wrapped around his knees, curled up and just regret everything he did or didn't do, say or didn't say. He would make like he is happy by telling lies or exaggerating any happy stories so that other guys would be envious (or so he believed), the girls would see only a fake smile, and all his friends would not worry about him.

Old Jack had a strange habit of imagining the worst possible reaction to a scenario. This has gone to the extremes of suicide (only once, and please note that this does not need concern). He would then channel it into various forms such as music, story shorts, and videos. However, none of them were actually any good. He would continue to break down and no one would ever be fully, and I mean really fully, aware of it. He would bring it down many levels and tell it to the girl who, seems to him, is willing to listen and not be judgmental (except for that one time).

Old Jack is pathetic, a loser, stupid, self-hating, low self-esteem, lacked confident, depressed, a coward, a liar, ungrateful, and a big, fat phony.

-sigh- But damn was it fun to make fun of him. It could be a nice story to tell: "The Transformation of Jack".