Challenge Accepted

Sunday, 14/10/2012, marks a day of joy and the beginning to something beautiful, yet, at the same time, I know there will be many challenges ahead.

As we all know, I haven't really shared anything with a girl before. I've already admitted that I haven't ever kissed a girl, and anyone can assume what "else" haven't I done.

This is a result of what I strongly believe in:
That I would only share the intimacy (by that, I mean the kiss) with someone I have feelings and strongly care for. If it's real, I don't need a history list of lovers, just one is enough.

I have found that person and she is currently residing 100s of kilometers away from me. Lori is an amazing girl. She has also returned the same feelings for me and I am overjoyed. I know from history and my strong stubbornness to my beliefs; that I want to share my first true kiss with her. She knows that and she couldn't be more happier. I am already preparing myself to accomplish that. I've recently found myself a full-time job, started working out again, and planning ahead with my annual leave and all, to go Shanghai to see her

But, in the end, I am a typical, hormonal guy. And this "haven't done this or that ever at age 23" thing is really taking a toll on me, and it is stressful and full of pressure, especially in this society, day and age.

What makes it worse is that; before I got close to Lori; a girl (let's call her RB), who works nearby, has offered herself to me. At first, I thought it was the alcohol and her (then) heart-broken state talking, but she even offered herself when she was sober and well. With all honesty, I was extremely tempted due to hormones. I was tempted to the point that I was gonna go for it.

But because I believe that Lori and I could be somewhere, I didn't do it. At the same time, I didn't want to take advantage of RB, no matter what she said nor how "appealing" her advances were. I did tell Lori honestly how conflicted I was, and that RB had forcefully kissed me (effectively taking my first kiss). It was later revealed that this odd friendship I had with RB bothered her, but I assured her that all I care about is her.

At that time, Lori told me to go for it as I was still young, several other friends told me the same thing. I asked myself, "I've been fighting exactly this away all my life because I stand firm to my own principles; what kind of person would I be if I did do that? Especially to a drunken and vulnerable girl. Answer: a hypocrite; or more modernly, an ass".

Now that we are close, I don't want to betray Lori's trust. It will be at least a year before I even have a shot at going to see her. I need to fight off people's advances. Because I believe in the meaning of first kiss. I don't mind what people do with themselves. This belief and stubbornness is only for myself. I can befriend a girl, but that's as far as it will get. Friend-zone!! Like what so many girls did to me before.


I noticed that I'm repeating myself. Okay, basically the bottom line is this...


I need to make it clear to the world: I HAVE FEELINGS FOR LORI. We're well aware that it will be a tough road with many challenges to come, mainly because of the distance. But I am determined to do this for her. She trusts me and I will not betray that trust.

Love 2012

As I told my colleague, this next post will be quite emo. And that is not because I have recently broke up, or been cheated on. No, still haven't had my first girlfriend. 

No, it is because I've recently opened up to a friend in regards to past lovelorns. And I suppose I can open up to my world of readers, all 0 of them ...

I'll start you off with the story of Jo Jo (yep, this time I'm using real names).

Jo Jo came to Australia, from Shanghai, at a young age. I met her in year 6. But back then we rarely spoke; only time I remember saying something to her was teasing her about her name. I do feel like a jackass about it. 

Anyway, during high school, I took up weekend school at North Shore Coaching Colleague. Little did I know, I'd run into Jo Jo again in year 8. After a few small chats and reminiscing, we exchanged phone numbers. I can't quite remember when we started talking, but we started something magical.

Jo Jo admitted that she only spoke to me because she had a crush on my cousin, Johnson, to which I understood and held no grudge against them. But in time, we grew to enjoy each other's company much more than anyone else's. We would call each other once it hit 8pm and continue to talk until 12-1 or sometimes, sun rise. In a sense, we were inseparable. One day, I decided that our time together is somewhat of a bad influence (namely, sleep and studies) and we needed to take time away from each other. She was devastated but agreed nonetheless.

After a month of separation, we immediately contacted each other and the friendship continued and probably grew stronger as a result of this separation. This went on for two years. Everyone thought we were dating. I figured that it was also time to take the next step. And so, after a short hang out, I confessed to her that I like her "very much" and wanted to make it official. 

However, she turned around and said that we can't be together. She left me that day: November 2004. She still called me a few times after that, but only to tell me about the new boy/boys she meets. Little did she know, every time I heard about it, it hurt really bad. She's gone now. I almost never talk to her now.

Next one is Ava. Probably the worst story of the three. And yet hers is commonly known as the Cookies & Cream story.

I also met Ava in primary school (as she so told me), back in year 4. But it wasn't until year 10 that we spoke. This was shortly after Jo Jo rejected me, but was still calling me. This story starts with a classmate named Yong Jie (or more easier, Miki). 

Miki is a mutual friend of ours and while I was still with Jo Jo, Miki would talk about Ava every now and then. She argues that since I'm not 'really' with Jo Jo, I can still look for others. Eventually, when Jo Jo rejected me, Miki gave Ava and I each other's numbers and photos. And from then, I don't remember who called who, a small friendship formed. And from there, flirting began, to the point that she started calling me Lil Hubby, with Honey Bumz in her phone. Being devastated from my experience with Jo Jo, I gladly, or maybe reluctantly, accepted that title.

We would then go on two dates. First time I saw her in person, she was absolutely gorgeous. And that date was dreamy. We went to the cinema, "Welcome to the Jungle" (and "The Last Samurai", the second time). She only watched that movie because I wanted, so instead of focusing, she just leaned on me while I gave her my jacket, because she was cold (I still remember she wore the cutest white outfit that day). 

After that, we just walked and chat. We had ice cream by Cockle Bay. She had Cookies & Cream and I had Vanilla. Needless to say, I finished mine quickly. She couldn't finish hers, and had me share it with her. This is when I grew fond of that flavor because sharing it with her was so special that the flavor (that used to be dull) was amazing.

Ava and Jo Jo were at odds with each other. And I reassured Ava that any lingering feelings for Jo Jo were gone. Yes, they were!

After our second date, I decided that this is real and I wanted to tell her how I feel. But just as I was going to do it, she told me to leave her alone. That she never liked me. That everything we had or done, I should just forget it. She never did say why, but that was the last time I heard from her. I hated her for that. I hated her for leaving me with a question. I tried not to hate her, but I did. And the sick part is, it was a strong love-hate feeling. I saw her at a train station once a few years later and she purposely avoided me.

This makes the second girl I've ever liked/loved, to hurt me like that.

The last one, whom I am still friends with, is Nelly. Big shock to those who know me. But this one didn't hurt too bad. 

I also met Nelly in primary school, year 6. Still, rarely spoke. Wasn't until a friendship was made in high school. But there's nothing special about this part. What IS important is this next paragraph...

So by year 12, 2006, after my experiences with Jo Jo and Ava, I was emotionally scarred. Other problems in life also arose: our family was in a massive financial debt to the point of bankruptcy, I started working long hours on top of school, my social life and reputation went into a steep decline because of constant absence, and I couldn't find the time to think about my future, because I was too busy dealing with the present. I became depressed, anti-social, a mess, even suicidal if you may. I had thoughts of taking that blade, or hanging that rope, or taking that pill. But I just didn't do it because that would leave problems for the rest of the family. This was also during a time when 6 of 7 nights I would be home alone. Alone with my not-so-good thoughts. 

Anyway, one night, I was on the verge of insanity, literally, and I had my phone in my hand. I wanted one last shot, so, without looking, I just flipped through my contact list and dialed a number (because I was so pro with my NEC phone). Keep in mind, I didn't know who it was.

It just so happens, I called Nelly. She had the most cutest, most sweetest voice; so calm, so gentle, so full of love; like someone who truly cared. She didn't know why I called, for all she knows, I was bored and just wanted to chat. She picked me up. She made me smile; something I hadn't done for a long while. She is probably the reason why I'm still around. Needless to say, she has, from then, remained in a soft spot in my heart. 

During university years, this soft spot grew to genuine feelings. I don't know what it is, or why it is, it just happened. I wanted to do a lot for her: took care of her when she was drunk, I even bought her that green bag her BFF said "she always wanted". I even remember drinking concentrated cordial, at her birthday's after party, just because she didn't want to carry the extra weight.

Sadly, nothing. She eventually fell for some guy. It broke my heart, but I guess I was used to it by then because I didn't sulk about it. When they broke up, I wasn't aware of it. I just remained the same kind of guy I've always been with her. I bought her flowers for her graduation. The first girl I've ever bought flowers for. Probably was a grad gift, probably not. I don't know anymore.

Anyway, after her graduation she became an increasingly heavy drinker (by my books) and gone out to parties doing typical single people thing (I won't mention it). You could say I was jealous, either that it wasn't me doing those stuff as a single guy, or that I saw/heard of her kissing other guys (sometimes from her). I realized that we will never be together and I would just have to accept it. I did tell her once. She laughed. She either thought I was joking or was too drunk. She probably doesn't even remember it.

I thought I moved on, that's what I told my friend; but the other night, I saw her kissing some guy. A part of me was alright, the other part didn't want to be there.  And so, I couldn't bring myself to riding that bus home with her after my colleague's birthday.

So to speak, it seems I liked this girl for almost, what, 5 and a half years or so. How sad is that!? I even know of actual couples, or even marriages, that didn't last this long. 

But no, we are still friends, and that is as good as I hope it remains. I'm fine with that. I'm probably the only primary school friend that hung out with her most (probably not anymore, I don't know), and for that, I feel special. If I ever told her, that would kill this friendship...and kill whatever is left of that one sweet feeling within me.

She means way too much to me...even if she is just a friend. 

And so to speak, my love story sucks worse than Ted Mosby. Ever since I learnt to develop feelings for someone, fate tells me it won't happen.But I'm fine with it. I've learnt to deal with it. What choice do I have? Suicide is for bombers. 

But even so...

Up till now, I still haven't planted my first kiss. I had that chance on one drunken night not long ago, but I just couldn't do it. Despite how easy it could've been, since that girl was so drunk, I couldn't do it for that same reason. I want it to be about love. Not a mindless, random drunken encounter. 

But I guess I'll be fine.

With the knowledge that not a single girl has truly loved me back. Jo Jo? She said we can't be together. Ava? Toyed with my feelings. Nelly? Clearly shown no feelings for me.

My friend says I fall in love too easily. Yeah, I guess that's true. 

But I guess I'll be fine.

My mates criticize my ability to attract girls anyway. I know just how much I suck at it. My colleagues call me a player; pisses me off every time, but what do they know? Why destroy a work relationship over that?

But I guess I'll be fine.

Call me a coward, I don't care. Better that, than a broken heart ... I understand that mine isn't the worst. Colleagues and friends have told me about their tragic endings and some of them were quite painful. Their story shits all over mine. But the thing is, 'someone did genuinely love them at one point'.

I'm just the Bad Luck Brian of relationships. The girls mostly see me as a friend or sometimes a sister. Hah, girls. I put my heart out there three times and you broke it to pieces each time. I don't have much glue left. I've pretty much shut myself off from relationships. Clearly, that shit's not for me. I'm starting to hate that word now. My relations ship has sailed and it's lost the steering wheel. 

And anyone who asks/says "Jackey, you should find someone", I just shake it off with a stupid laugh or a bad joke/lie. Besides, every girl I meet now either has a boyfriend or is married. So I've become the master of being instantly friend-zoned.

Hah, friend-zone. New word that I've learned, lovely meaning. What a joke. 

Relationship, lovey-dovey, club flirting, random hook-ups and all that shit ...

I surrender. I surrender to it all. I don't want to do it.
But I still believe in fate. It fate wants me to fall in love again, I will do it. Or better yet, if fate says I will find someone I truly love after all the pain and trial, I gladly accept it. Just give me a sign, okay?

Fuck that shit, I'm playing Street Fighter. 

Work 2012

I'll start you off with the boring stuff. Shut up! I know it's boring, I said so, didn't I?

Well, since I last post, I worked several jobs at the same time: sales rep at Vodafone, tutor at UNSW, waiter at The Dairy Thai & Chinese Good, and designer and owner of 1020 Designs. It was a chaotic time, but I was earning a satisfactory amount of money.  Needless to say, I was exhausted.

Now.
I have an amazing schedule as a: sales rep at Vodafone, tutor at UNSW, waiter at The Dairy Thai & Chinese Good, and designer and owner of 1020 Designs. This time, as of 29th July, with the addition of our second family-owned, "Ray's Bistro".

Let me explain:
My father has always wanted to run his owned restaurant/bistro (although I believe it was winning the trifector and retiring). After a long discussion, we finally convinced the manager of Croydon Park Ex-servicemen's Club to allow us to occupy their empty bistro. Note: the previous owner (Greek guy) screwed this place up by being unhygienic, slow, and abusive. Now that we have established a maintainable customer base, we want to introduce a new market and home delivery.
This thing runs for 3 days and 6 nights, with Monday being out day off. Monday...of all days -_-
Anyway, tutoring has, as always, finished at the conclusion of Semester 1, I stopped working at The Dairy as often as I used to. But the workload for 1020 Design had piled up because we're focusing on the bistro's marketing campaign. And my computer is now faulty. 

I guess the workload and lack of sleep has left me aging, exhausted, and anti-social (but I'll get into that later)

Anyway, on the train, can't think of anything else. 

One Year Later

Its almost one whole year since I last posted on this blog. One might think, "hmm, there must have been a lot that went on since".

The short answer, "yes and no".

You see? As we average people get older out daily schedule becomes increasingly repetitive.
What were the typical things I used to talk about? Work, love, and life. I will continue to do just that, but I shall write it as three separate posts.

Who knows, maybe when the film industry runs out of ideas, they can write a movie based on my life (but, really, my life isn't that bad. I'm not Bad Luck Brian). 

Man, I'd win an Razzie award for worst writer XD

Hey, how are you? Bored as f**k

For those who know me, you would've have seen me going out quite frequently. You could even say that I am having the time of my life. But there is a face hidden behind that smile. Nothing seems to be fun anymore -_-

I'd hate to think that I'm growing up faster than I should, and that these things, that is supposed to be fun for people my age, is just not fun. Come to think of it, my interest in things are far from similar (of course, with the exception that it is done outside of the house). I like to be outdoor, but doing actual physical work, connecting with nature. I have been deprived of this and I want to believe that all I need to do is to get back in touch. Simple things like a nature walk or drifting on the river on a row boat is more than enough for me on a typical day. Not loud-as-fuck party music, people bumping and grinding their bodies so closely together that you're drenched in "someone else's" sweat. To me, that's a man-made misery. Though I admit, that's how you meet people now.

At the same time, I'm worried that my life as a single person may finally be catching up with me, telling me that I'm old and it is time. If that's the case, I'll admit that I'm afraid of relationships because each time I try to get close to a girl, I end up in shocking and painful conclusions. I just don't like that feeling, nobody does. I would love to make a special girl really happy one day, but not one has given me that chance. I don't like the feeling of being thrown the in trash can with who-knows-how-many other poor souls. The feeling of unattractiveness or being unneeded is not a good feeling at all. I would've have thought that someone who is a little more sensitive to people's feelings would stand a better chance than arseholes that just wants to look good with a girl by his side. As a matter of fact, on many occasions I feel like I'm just noise in people's ears.

What other reasons could there be? Career? Anyone with a repetitive job would find life unexciting and many others would agree with me. But I am somewhat satisfied with my job. I enjoy the atmosphere, the colleagues, the work etc. What I may not be too satisfied with are the complaints. But what job does not have its ups or downs? 'Maybe', the fact that I have been unable to complete my 1020, that I was so excited to get going, has made me unfulfilled.

Unfulfilled ... Could it be unfulfilled dreams? Impossible. I haven't dreamt in so long I don't know what they were anymore. I don't even know hoe to dream anymore.

-sigh- I don't know, this emptiness just sucks so much.

1020 In-Development

I am finally on my way in creating the "1020" division. But first, let me explain a little bit about what 1020 is.

Who Am I?
1020 is a division within our family's catering business, which focuses on media production. As 1020's creator and manager, my role is to develop and produce artful presentations for clients prior and during their events. 1020 focuses on two major aspects: video and websites.

Within our video department, my key role is to develop and produce artful presentations for clients in accordance to their purpose whether it be a wedding slideshow or a birthday roast video.

Our website development department focuses on, as its title implies, developing websites. My clients are vastly diverse, ranging from event or promotion to product awareness. My vision is to create minimalistic websites as it is more eye and user friendly.


Why Am I?
As for its name, 1020 is simply a representation of my initials. That is, the tenth and twentieth letter of the alphabet, "J" and "T". As for why this division was created, well, as graphic and film enthusiast I like to apply my skills in an area that is comfortable and constantly changing. After a well-received presentation on a wedding night in 10-10-10 and a second highly-praised presentation on 28-05-11, I decided to pursue this avenue.


Where Am I?
As 1020 is still in development, the only conact information I can provide is my non-work related email:
Jackey_tran@hotmail.com
I hope to have my video, work email, website, and business card ready as soon as I can.


So excited. See ya ~

Great Pain, Great Change

If there is one thing that I have learnt in life that is, "great pain in life brings about great change in person".

I learned this the hard way (as if pain could be any easier). A few weeks ago my closest friends and I planned to go away for a stress relieving trip to Orange and while every thing seemed well and ready to go, an old friend of mine asked me one simple question just two days before setting out, "how are you getting there?"

Now, all this time I believed that we were all catching a train, and that is fine, but when I was told that the tickets were bought already, I got a little panic-ky if there is no other word to use. So I asked about my traveling arrangement. The response I got was, "I didn't know you were coming". At the time, I misinterpreted this as not going to Orange at all and that I was no accounted for. But I understood very soon later that this only meant that I was going on the train with them (as there were other alternatives).

So I got mad, mind you I was already have a horrible morning, and just turned away from the trip (when new arrangements had been made because of my late reply). Now I could have done this politely, but instead, if you remember my previous post, I have not had a "so-called" happy life, I did this the arrogant and dramatic way. So just like that, in one morning, I lashed out at my closest friends and worst of all, the girl I love.

When they left, I plunged into a, what I would call, "isolation depression state". I was deeply depressed and down only whenever I was isolated. Then again, I've been like that all my life and many others share that feat. I made one last (effortless) attempt to rectify what I done. I SMSd (yeah, that is the world we live in now) the one girl whom I believed was more likely to forgive me, or rather the girl I needed forgiveness from, to apologize and explain my actions. And till now she has not responded nor acknowledged it. At first, I assumed that she is tired from the trip and had immediate work commitment. But after a while, I do not think she is going to forgive me.

Not being forgiven by my closest friends brings unbelievable pain that I do not want to show in front of anyone. But I think to myself, "Maybe this is why I lash out, uncontrollably. Because I don't exactly have an outlet, this anger and pain is stored like a boiling kettle". Why do I go on preaching to my troubled tutee about control, when I don't fully understand this concept of control?

I understand that as long as I have my personal issues, I cannot have a steady life. As long as this anger is untamed, I cannot have a social life. I will deny myself of this until I get it worked out. Even if she, I mean, they are ready to forgive and forget my actions.

Interesting question: if I can confirm that she dislikes me, I can finally move on. but where would it lead me?

Reflection part III

I came the closest I've ever been to hyperventilation and total pass out. It is all because of a bad habit of mine. That is, unleashing my frustration in an imaginary, but bloody, explosive, and violent confrontation with the people who cause me the pain.

I began looking back at my childhood and how I came to be the pathetic person that I am. I know that throughout my childhood I had never imagined my life to be like this. It almost feels like Fate had tied me to a dungeon wall, and hung my freedom, by a thin thread, just outside of my reach, mocking me everyday as I strive desperately to grab hold onto my sanity.

For every imaginary outburst, I grabbed onto my chest to stop it from pounding too hard while I maintained a breathing consistency. My eyes burnt red from the bitter-salty tears that forces its way out. I tried not to attract attention. And it seemed successful. But why should I be surprised? No one gives a shit in the first place. I tried to persuade my mind not to think about it, but it seemed I was meant to persuade my heart instead. All those tiny fragments that have been ignored for all those years. I started to breathe hard again, I fought myself again and again, "Jackey, what kind of man are you?" An excellent question indeed.

While I struggled to keep cool all day, I thought to myself:

Happy Birthday Jackey ...

Remorse

If I disappeared for a month, would anyone notice it? I've asked myself this question a few times in the past and my answer is and should be, "Well, of course. The people who live with you would obviously notice one less person in the house". But when I'm talking about friends and acquaintances, there is a strong possibility that they won't.

The reason is that I haven't made it worthwhile to be remembered. And I don't exactly have that acknowledgement from people. My reaction to this is to be loud and everywhere, and I think I brag about myself ... ALOT. But somewhere I feel as though I will be remembered, but as the annoying butthead. This is not my goal. My goal is to give people that feeling of, "I miss Jackey and his antics". Oh, by the way, my full name is Jackey Tran, not Jack. See? Another reason why people won't remember 'me'.

At university, I try to be a very distinctive tutor. I socialize with students, something not many tutors like doing. I try to get them to open up so I can understand them a bit better. They are students who try really hard, but just can't seem to meet expectations. I used to be that kind of student. Failing them hurts, but I only fail those I really see just bumming around doing shit all. What else do I do as a distinctive tutor? I brought nunchakas. Tell me, who brings nunchakas and know how to use them? Nobody, that's who. I love to play with my students inside and outside of class. Just the other night I put on a comedy stand up. So instead of stressing out while working on their assignment, they were laughing. However, sometimes I think I cross the line with my eccentricness, and at the same time, they only see me as their tutor, not a befriendable. I don't exactly want the title of "my tutor". I wanna be a friend. If I disappeared, they'll just progress to the next semester.

In VHA, I probably would be remembered by the name Jackie Chan, and as the goody two-shoe who asks too many questions. I'm the new guy, but, from my perspective, the slowest progressing new guy there. I would love nothing more than to be confident and prominent with my work, but with the amount of responsibilities and issues that demands my attention, I become so easily disoriented and subsequently lose track of everything. I'm not even the only Asian guy there. Two left, but there is one more, and he knows his shit. However, if I disappeared I know they'll notice it ... then fire me.

With my friends, hardly anyone knows where I am. But through the miracle of Facebook, they know what is up. There was a period where I could not access Facebook and was out of the picture, essentially. But no one noticed nor cared. The fact that I've regretfully declined so many roadtrips with my friend, makes me an uninteresting outcast from my social circle. I really wish to get back into the game. I really wish to socialize with my friends. I really hope to know how everyone is and whether they lives have been treating them right. I really hope to be there for them. I'm not just saying it, I really mean it. If I disappeared for a month, I've already proven that these people wouldn't notice me.

All it comes down to is recognition. I know that no one is being missed at every single second by any given, breathing person. But it is nice to know that I mean something/anything to someone/anyone. And I think this blog entry is a brag and another attempt to gain recognition and acknowledgment.

Sorry =[

Reflection part II

Recently, I have been thinking about and reevaluating my dreams and goals. And as I was doing so, I had a horrible realization: I stopped thinking about it for so long, I no longer remember what it is that I really want.

When asked, I just make up lies or tell them other people's dreams. I don't want to appear without ambitions. I have them, I just don't remember what they were.

I spent years of my childhood and young adulthood walking with my family on the rough road; I denied myself the girl of my dreams. She had always been by my side and was everything I wished for. With the situation my life is in, I will never forgive myself if she has to suffer with me. That is a selfish thing to do. She appears to be happy now without me anyway. I guess I can be happy for her.

And because I've only done what my oldest brother told me, I'm not sure what career path I truly want to be in. What I'm in now, that's what I tell my acquaintances that that was my ideal career. Is it really what I want? I'm not sure. I used to think oceanography was my dream job. But in time I realized that it was an immature and impulsive frame of mind. I've had so little exposure to the world that I do not know who I am or who I was meant to be. Perhaps I was meant to be a website developer but I just haven't realized it. Perhaps I was meant to be an actor, but I haven't the courage to pursue it. I don't know, I just don't want to end up on my knees holder a cardboard paper, begging for money.

This uncertainty is scary because I cannot predict what the future will have in-store for me. I guess there are many people out there who shares this fear. And for all of you out there, you have my deepest empathy.